In growing up pretty much everything we did as a family was out of necessity, so the definition of a goal or even the word goal was never talked about. We got up in the morning, milked the cows, strained the milk, fed the horses, gathered the eggs, ate breakfast and went to school, at night we would, milk the cows, skim the milk, make butter, bring in the wood, feed the horses etc.. I think you get the idea. There was not a whole lot of down time to sit and wonder what to do next, we already knew.

As I grew up and moved into town I realized I had nothing to do… When I got up in the morning it was totally different, because I had no cows, horses, or chickens to guide my life or my activities. That was when the word goal came into my life and I had no idea how to handle it. “They” said set a goal and do it… So as I worked through this, I figured goal was this huge life long chore that had no end. Or my expectation of setting a goal was insane. I found my mind could not wrap around the idea, with out the feeling of judgment or fear or understand the idea or even begin to believe I could achieve a goal beyond my current circumstance.

As years went on I found for me that a goal is not a chore or an undoable wish that I could never achieve, it is a stair step of adventures that lead me to an achievement beyond where I had been before. In a sense I look at it as everything I do is a goal I achieve. A goal is choice. Such as getting out of bed in the morning is a goal, getting the dishes done, or getting to work on time. I have found that sometimes my mind works at achieving not to achieve.  If I look at the clock and see it is time to get up, yet I roll over and go back to sleep, that was my goal and I accomplished it. If I am getting ready for work and think of one more thing to do before I leave and am late, then I apparently set my goal to be late for work.

And I give myself permission to do so. There are other days where I decide “I will be on time.” and nothing gets in my way. In writing my first novel, Unspoken, was the same exact way, I wrote it with the intent or goal of not publishing it, because in the back of my mind I didn’t know or was not looking for a way to get it done. I knew I wanted to write but I didn’t know what to do with the writing. Until I began to understand that when I was a kid getting up in the morning and milking the cows was a goal I did every morning with out thought, gathering eggs, feeding horses, making breakfast. I did it because it needed done and I took steps to make it happen. When I began to think of publishing my book in the same way everything began to line up and the fear of accomplishing gradually faded away into an adventure of trial and error without judgment.


When I look at goals now I believe I look at them with a feeling of every choice I make is a goal, so if I do it or not is the goal in my mind and I make it happen, positive or negative. It is a goal in my mind to take on a new adventure and achieve or to hold myself in a pattern and stay where I am comfortable, and right now I enjoy playing back and forth between the two of them, learning what my habits are and what goals I am afraid of and what goals I want to change. I choose everyday and am becoming happy with the results.



Fear of a Goal


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