I sit in the snow covered parking lot watching with numb eyes the frozen white tears of heaven fall, layer by layer. Silent, muted of voice, no rhythem of rain or wind that whines. A silent heaviness, like the choices I have to make in life.
In my dilema, I am sitting in this silent storm waiting at a veterinary clinic, busting at the seams, tears have swollen my eyes closed. I have no children of my own, I have my animals that I have dedicated my life to. I am no stranger to death, I understand it, respect it as much as I respect the lives around me, yet at times take for granted. But today was an unexpected turn of our Boxer Petey, and his adventures on this earth are becoming limited. His fate lay within the hands of a surgeon I do not know and a staff of people that are only faces of compassion and experience. I sit here with expectations of them making Petey better, knowing they are not God but challenging them to heal the sick.
When you sit on the edge of someone else’s life realizing, there is no doing that can take away the hurt and pain. No phone call, no friend, just time and choice and not wanting to play grown up anymore. Wanting some one else to have the answers. Demanding answers you want to hear, not the truth.
I am faced with that today. I am no different than anyone else. I am not special or immune to the reality of life and death. Looking to find someone with the answers and knowing there is no long term solution.
It does not matter if it is a person, a dog , a cat or even a deer on the side of the road. The pain that is felt is real in that moment,by those who can only stand by,holding a dying hand or stoking a fur friends head, while the what ifs, the if only, rearranging the past and predetermining the future. The reality of now, hits full force in waves that can never be explained.
In this depth of emotion is where faith or lack of faith seems to challenge us the most. I continue to believe there is something beyond this life. It challenges me to make choices, experience life and death, and on top of everything in our life accept change, humble us to those changes of life. Friendship and love are fragile and only an expression of living. The understanding of this comes from experience and the choices we make after we have witnessed the experience.
I pray one day my faith will release the hurt I feel and allow me to continue to care and love without hardening my heart. Accept the choices I have made without guilt or sadness that I could have done more, been more. That it is with faith that life be lived with laughter and beauty of each day, be appreciated no matter the sadness of change that we face that dampen our cheek and redden our eyes.
I sit in this car waiting, imagining my limited belief, questioning my worth and asking for another day with my faithful friend, yet releasing my faith to what is will be. A goodbye to my friend or another day that we can take advantage of each others company.
My phone rings, surgery is done. The answers are a ring away… do I answer? Can I handle the truth?
No matter what, my faith is strong that I am enough, I have done all I can, it is between God and Petey, I am just the driver, the doctor is the messenger, and the verdict is in.
Petey is coming home with me! He is not done yet. I am not done yet.
Faith is a challenge of growth, a journey of change. How we mourn for what was and what is to be. Saying good bye to yesterday and stepping in to the unknown tomorrow by living in the faith of now.
I sit in the snow covered parking lot watching with numb eyes the frozen white tears of heaven fall, layer by layer. Silent, muted of voice, no rhythem of rain or wind that whines. A silent heaviness, like the choices I have to make in life. It is only temporary after tomorrows tomorrow it will be gone, bringing new life and strength.
Stay blessed. A.K.MOSS