In my horse world I have never really been a competitive person. I have challenged myself and my horse to partisipate in certain adventures but have never fully grasped the winning -loosing thing.
I know I have blogged about this before, but I guess in the search of my strength and weaknesses I am faced with more about how I see winning and how others see it. Or maybe it is just getting words on paper about fear and facing it beyond stepping up and stepping on.
I have felt most all of my life like I have been on the off side of the fence. I guess, as they always say… “The Grass is always Greener”… I don’t think I really got that until I realized how odd I always felt in a crowd, always wishing I was something beyond who I was. . Then on top of that, what I felt like when I competed in an event and actually won. Feeling all eyes on me, all of the congratulations and job well dones.. All I could see was all of the flaws I had done and how I felt in the heat of competion. Sick to my stomach, and insignificant. To hold an award for a moment for a picture and a feeling of a job well done, yet knowing in my heart , others there are just as good, if not better than myself.
When for a brif moment the sun begins to rise in my clouded mind. I am stronger than what I was when I began. I have defined my priorities and shuffled through my imagination to grasp innerstrenth and challenge my doubtful mind. For those moments in the winners circle is not about being better than some one else. It is attempting to be better than I used to be, to the point of recognition.
To stand and be acknowledged for achievements of like minded people. Beyond having to win or needing a partisipation award. But it is more of self value and motovation of growth.
I know there are some extemists out there, qho winning is everything. And others who say,”hey, I showed up, I need a ribbon, or award.”
But for me, it is about personal growth and inner strength. About achievement beyond, showing up. It is about being the best I can be and allowing myself to grow with the challenges of competion. The heart break, the trials and the rewards on the off side of the fence.
Questioning my strengths and weakness, not by judgement but by curiosity. By questioning my self to the challenges I set for myself. And finding those who can help me on my journey, along the way.
I don’t expect to change the world or even talk you into believing as I do, but as I watch children struggle with being accepted, or feeling like a looser for not placing I felt I would put a few words on paper about my challenges… nothing more. Nothing less, just words from a gal on the off side of the fence.