I hadn’t caught my horse Hitch since I had put down my little Mustang Joey a few months ago, mid-summer.
The power of death has no description, the expectation or the familiar thoughts and actions go awry in hidden patterns of subconscious motion and emotion.
Thinking I had everything in control only realized several months later I was spiraling, I don’t want to say I was out of control, but definitely out of subconscious control.
Here I am getting ready to step in a new year, my mind full of accomplishments and trials I have faced, yet my horse stands out there alone…Christmas came and went, I wanted for nothing I asked for nothing, I was kind of hollow I guess, no other way to describe it. Then today, I walk out and Hitchie comes trotting up to me. Not the confident ambitious guy he usually had been. Timid, reserved, shy… I feed and water him and touch his nose, I had not realized I had become as distant as he was. A flinch, a flicker, a sidestep of awkwardness, catching this strange horse that I had for the last six years. 
The last time he had been haltered was the day Joey died. And for the first few moments, we now were two lonely strangers just wanting a little company. I hadn’t realized that I had let him down.
Once the halter was on and the gate open my long-time friend had a lot to express and it was not positive. Flipping his head, jittering around me and almost pushing me. I usually would have corrected that behavior swiftly and assuredly but instead, I walked on with no emotion or frustration for his actions. I lead him out the gate, and he squealed and jumped around in a babble of emotion. This was not my horse at all, but I felt no fear or need to “set him straight.” He jogged around me a couple of times, I asked him to continue his jog, then extended it to a lope. He kicked up his heels and made a couple of bucking squalls ragging his head from side to side. I reversed his lunging motion to the opposite direction and he responded with a slight hand and motion. He never hit the end of the 18-foot lead and never pulled on me.
I felt a tear run down my cheek. At that time I felt like I understood. He had questions and concerns that were unanswered, and I left him high and dry to figure it out on his own. While I did my own soul searching in the loss of three horses in a year and a half. Anger, frustration, resentment?… maybe… confusion, uncertainty, or loss? I am leaning toward that more as I watched him circle around me… in another moment he stopped abruptly and faced me off. I guided him again to change direction with a lift of my hand. He walked off with the suggestion.
I felt like he had no idea where he fits with me anymore. I offered him to stop, but he dropped his head, stood took a deep sigh and as if a light switched on, we were almost back like before. I leaned on his withers for a moment and just stood with him. Yes, change had happened, death is permanent and we were with Kid, Deacon, and Joey when they died and nothing was going to be the same after them. But we were here now and we had each other and that was all we needed for today. We walked off and headed down 12th Street as if old times. Sometimes we just have to believe, knowing there is no stopping, old age, cancer, or severe colic and no promises for tomorrow. It all gives us reason to believe in today.
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