A Small Town Girl

These last few days I have struggled with my commitment to fulfill all of my obligations that I have promised…I have been feeling like 6 squirrels all chasing each other tails and not gaining any ground. Last night I woke with the thought of who am I kidding…? I am just a small town girl with big dreams who writes. I will be no more or no less than that… I am not a Baxter Black or Rudyard Kipling… Or Stephen King for that matter.
I am just a small town girl… trying to make ends meet and keep my head above water, sharing hoping and dreaming. When do I let that little girl go? What would I be without her?
Last night I fought with myself on all I thought I was, and faced the reality that I am all I have ever been, that in the beginning I was a small town girl, I tried on the big girl pants, I tried the being brave, I tried being what I thought society wanted me to be. I found Society is nothing more than the expectations I put on myself because of someone elses’ expectations and the rules. Voices in the head, that say “you can’t do that” or “Who are you kidding…”  I have to blame it somewhere because I feel like such a victim, and I certainly wouldn’t say that to myself, it has to be society!  I felt wrong, awkward or maybe even stupid. While other times society would tell me the truth, a truth that hurts, hurts so deep that anger would bring a lash of resentment and blame. That anger would hold me until I couldn’t breathe, until I couldn’t think … a day, a week, a year… 5 years… it would hold me until I had the courage to release that hold, to bring to light the thought that I am here on this earth to feel, not own. I think I was created to feel, pain, pity, love, resentment. I am here to feel, jealousy, rage, passion, sickness, health, and all in between. I am here to feel what that little small town girl feels and the journey between my first breath until the last. Those that I look up to, that I call my teachers are only people that are doing what they do because they too are making ends meet, hoping and dreaming. Finding their techniques are ones that I can associate with, grow with, yet also understanding that they are just as I am people, right, wrong or otherwise judged in my eyes to being more than myself.20171012_174928_40031
One person in my life had said that I live with a beginners mind, a childish mind, a mind that can not comprehend the pain of this world, a mind that I imagine good, a mind that tries to balance the positive and negatives in life for the betterment of my self. One that some thinks lives in fantasy…
At first I thought that as an insult… I thought it as weak, meager, or non committal … But in reality it was more a complement.  The courage, the challenge to give one more moment to taste an apple for the first time, again… To feel a horse breathe and appreciate the living being it is. To witness a sunrise one more time and know the true beauty in the color, shape, feel and experience.charles sunriseTo feel the key board as I tap out one word at a time to try to capture an emotion, a feeling, a sight, and bring it to life.
Yes I am a small town girl, I am a woman, I am a daughter, I am a person who loves life and looks, searches and believes in the best… No blame, no excuses of past or future, no excuses of age or youth, just a small town girl with big dreams and a beginners mind.


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